How To Handle The Dreaded "M" Word - Menopause.

How did I get here?  When did I reach this point in my life?  For Christ sake, I am still finding myself!  LOL.  I have finally heard the dreaded word - menopause- from my doctor.  I wanted to spit in her face and scream at the top of my lungs,  "WHY!!"

Years ago, I watched my own mother through this horrible time.  It was like watching the movie "Exorcist" and "Carrie" combined.  I remember feeling sad for her and saying that I would never get here.  Okay, you stupid, stupid girl!

As life got in the way, I got older.  I will hit a milestone in May - I will turn 50.  Yikes right?  And after hearing the shit that is gonna happen to my body, where I can sign up for the psych ward?

I took a breathe and realized that all my life I have been a fighter.  So, this is just another fight for me.  No drunken girls in a bar to fist fight with  or punching guys out who were picking on my twin sister.  This had to do with age and I was not going down easy!!  

After researching what some of the symptoms were, I was going to be ready for this hormonal attack on my body.  No aliens will be visiting this site!

1.  Hot Flashes -  The first time this happened, I was ready to call a gorgeous firemen.  My body felt like it was on fire!   Solution - Carry around ice packs in a small cooler.  First sign of heat- place one ice pack in your bra.  Instant relief and you will look bustier.  Win, win!!

2.  Mood Swings - My family was so used to this.  My kids called Lexapro "Mom's happy pill".  I just increased the dosage.   Solution-  Told my boys that when they saw that look in my face to quickly grab the wine.  Some people say alcohol increases hot flashes.  Well, I say if I am drunk, I will be numb and not know anything.  Problem solved.

3.  Difficulty Concentrating - I laughed very loud over this.  Are doctors new here? Once you are a Mom, you experience a lot of "brain freeze".  The reason is you pushed all your brain cells out while giving birth.  Catch 22.  Solution - When people are talking to you, just put a smile on your face and nod.  Look polite at all times.

4.  Loss of Libido - Oh, right .  Sex.  My thoughts are who cares.  By the time I go to bed, I am comatose!  Most moms are shouting in agreement on this one.  But I know this is so important in a marriage and I have been married 24 years.  Solution - I will just daydream and fantasize about Ryan Reynolds 24/7.  I might be comatose at the time, but a gigantic smile will be plastered on my face.

5.  Incontinence -  Okay, the release of urine which you can't control.  Honey, I have been dealing with this forever.  Solution - Wearing Depends.  I have been wearing these for years and they are quite comfy.  As Lisa Rinna says " There are many sizes".  LOL.

6.  Weight Gain - This one I am going to have a problem with.  I am in my 23rd year of trying to loose baby weight.  So, more is gonna set me over the edge.  Solution - Don't fight it.  Embrace it and invest in a shitload of Spanx!!!   All types and colors.  Do not hold back.

Hopefully, I will survive this ride.  I know one thing about me - I will find the humor in it.  I will not care who I offend either.  LOL.