How did I get here? When did I reach this point in my life? For Christ sake, I am still finding myself! LOL. I have finally heard the dreaded word - menopause- from my doctor. I wanted to spit in her face and scream at the top of my lungs, "WHY!!"
Years ago, I watched my own mother through this horrible time. It was like watching the movie "Exorcist" and "Carrie" combined. I remember feeling sad for her and saying that I would never get here. Okay, you stupid, stupid girl!
As life got in the way, I got older. I will hit a milestone in May - I will turn 50. Yikes right? And after hearing the shit that is gonna happen to my body, where I can sign up for the psych ward?
I took a breathe and realized that all my life I have been a fighter. So, this is just another fight for me. No drunken girls in a bar to fist fight with or punching guys out who were picking on my twin sister. This had to do with age and I was not going down easy!!
After researching what some of the symptoms were, I was going to be ready for this hormonal attack on my body. No aliens will be visiting this site!
1. Hot Flashes - The first time this happened, I was ready to call a gorgeous firemen. My body felt like it was on fire! Solution - Carry around ice packs in a small cooler. First sign of heat- place one ice pack in your bra. Instant relief and you will look bustier. Win, win!!
2. Mood Swings - My family was so used to this. My kids called Lexapro "Mom's happy pill". I just increased the dosage. Solution- Told my boys that when they saw that look in my face to quickly grab the wine. Some people say alcohol increases hot flashes. Well, I say if I am drunk, I will be numb and not know anything. Problem solved.
3. Difficulty Concentrating - I laughed very loud over this. Are doctors new here? Once you are a Mom, you experience a lot of "brain freeze". The reason is you pushed all your brain cells out while giving birth. Catch 22. Solution - When people are talking to you, just put a smile on your face and nod. Look polite at all times.
4. Loss of Libido - Oh, right . Sex. My thoughts are who cares. By the time I go to bed, I am comatose! Most moms are shouting in agreement on this one. But I know this is so important in a marriage and I have been married 24 years. Solution - I will just daydream and fantasize about Ryan Reynolds 24/7. I might be comatose at the time, but a gigantic smile will be plastered on my face.
5. Incontinence - Okay, the release of urine which you can't control. Honey, I have been dealing with this forever. Solution - Wearing Depends. I have been wearing these for years and they are quite comfy. As Lisa Rinna says " There are many sizes". LOL.
6. Weight Gain - This one I am going to have a problem with. I am in my 23rd year of trying to loose baby weight. So, more is gonna set me over the edge. Solution - Don't fight it. Embrace it and invest in a shitload of Spanx!!! All types and colors. Do not hold back.
Hopefully, I will survive this ride. I know one thing about me - I will find the humor in it. I will not care who I offend either. LOL.